Pooja Thawani
Embodied Eating Recovery Guide
Ayurvedic Health Counselor & Yoga Teacher
Founder of Puja
Growing up, I was fairly overweight and I was always reminded of the fact that I was the “cute, chubby” one, or that I was “pretty” if only I lost some weight. It never really bothered me - I was always busy with my books or my next art project - until I reached my teenage years and started to feel self-conscious in my body.
I remember that night clearly in my head - I had just finished dinner and I went to the toilet and made myself throw up and thought “wow I could just keep doing this”. So I did - and a couple of weeks after, on my 17th birthday, everyone complimented on how good I looked having lost some weight.
That was the beginning of the bulimia for me - I continued on for a few years, and as the weight came off, the compliments increased. At this time, I knew nothing of health or what I was doing to my body internally, and I thought I would be able to stop at any point. Little did I know the addiction had already taken a strong hold.
The few times I tried to “stop myself” from throwing up, I would feel such a level of restlessness mentally and such strong withdrawal symptoms physically, that I assumed this was how an addict would feel. I started to seek help from various health coaches outside of where I lived as I felt I could not trust anyone around me with this heavy, “dark” secret.
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Fast forward a couple of years later, I was living a “healthy” lifestyle - going to the gym twice a day, having protein shakes and bars, eating all the “low-fat”, “low-carb”, and low nourishment “diet” - all the while surviving off very little sleep and working a very demanding office job. Partying was my answer to escaping on the weekends, and throwing up was my tool of relief on the weekdays. Every time I had a relapse I would promise myself it would be the last time, but then the next day came and the same thing happened - and I would beat myself up for it every time.
On the outside, I was a pretty picture, but on the inside I was my own worst enemy.
Fast forward a couple of years again, I would go the yoga classes at my gym purely for “stretching” purposes, but then find myself crying in certain poses. I didn’t know what this was at the time, but something pulled me more and more to the practice. I got married in 2012 and took some time off work. Even though I had everything I thought would make me happy at this point - being "thin", marrying the love of my life, not having to work long hours - I was probably at one of the lowest points in my life.
That was when I came across an article on Ishta Yoga in New York and something in me told me to fly half-way round the world, all by myself, to do their teachers’ training program.
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The moment I stepped inside the studio at Ishta, I felt at home. I felt I could drop the lie I’d been living and start to actually question who I was and what I actually wanted from life. It was also the beginning of my journey learning about all the different layers of our body and how everything is so connected.
When I got back, I started to teach yoga, but it was mostly coming from a place of physical pursuits as that was what was familiar to me. It was also around this time that I had my first encounter with an Ayurvedic doctor in Singapore to try and resolve the array of digestion and hormonal issues I was having due to the years of abusing my body. I also had the opportunity to spend some time with another Ayurvedic practitioner there, helping her make various spice blends, picking hibiscus flowers for a herbal hair oil, writing up recipe cards, and my interest in the teachings quickly grew. I began reading a lot of books on Ayurveda, incorporating what I had learnt into my daily life, and I quickly felt so much better physically and emotionally.
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However, the bulimia was still always a few steps behind me. It was my coping mechanism - a way I knew how to quickly release stress or emotions that I did not want to deal with. It was also a part of me that was in the shadows - something I wanted to “push away” and “get rid off".
In 2015, I attended a Mindfulness training in Ubud, Bali with a dear teacher, Tina Nance, that truly changed my life. I was introduced to the teachings of those who taught from a place of true compassion and acceptance, particularly Tara Brach and Jeff Foster. It was probably the first time in my life that I ever accepted myself just as I was, without needing to fix or change or make anything go away.
It was uncomfortable for the most part, but I learnt how to slowly be with that discomfort and work through the emotions and feelings I had always resisted in the past, without falling back to “unwholesome” coping strategies and behaviors.
I gave birth to my son in 2017, and with the beautiful journey of motherhood came some challenges.
I was sleep deprived for the first year and a half of being a first-time-mother, and I felt depleted and drained on so many levels.
My patience and capacity to be present with what was arising was challenged in ways that any mother would relate to. My body craved more restorative practices, and initially it was very hard to give myself that.
We live in a society that values work and 'doing more' over rest, but I soon noticed a direct relation between the state of my nervous system and how my days would look like. How I showed up in my life to situations and people around me was so glaringly different on the days I was rested, and the days I was depleted.
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During this time I started to offer restorative classes, and enjoyed them so much more than my previous “intense” classes. I also started to enjoy Qigong practices as a means to change the state of my energy and emotions almost instantaneously.
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This was when I began understanding the true power of rest and working to restore safety in the body and in the nervous system. And being "rested" does not always mean having the liberty of a good night's sleep every single day, doing an hour of restorative yoga, getting a massage in, etc.
We can still be rested amidst all the "chaos" that might be going on around us - simply by taking a minute break to close our eyes between one task and the next, by doing a few neck rolls while we are waiting in line instead of checking our phones, by taking a few deep breaths after we have finished our meal instead of immediately jumping off the table.
In terms of food and nourishment, I began to understand the power in paying attention not only to what I was eating, but how I was eating and how that translated to whether my body could digest it or not, no matter what the food might be.
Through the teachings of Ayurveda, Macrobiotics and TCM, I started to appreciate the beauty and benefits of looking at food not just from the standard carb, protein, fats, calories point of view, but looking at qualities, tastes, effects, and energy or prana that the food brings to our bodies and mind.
When the pandemic happened and all of our worlds took a stand-still, I had the opportunity to learn Ayurveda formally through the Boston School of Ayurveda. I was introduced to teachers who taught the teachings of these ancient wisdoms in a way that was not rigid, but instead one that brought freedom and flexibility.
I also had the opportunity to attend workshops and courses by many wonderful teachers with everything going online, and I began to learn Qigong formally.
I am still continuously learning and will probably forever be a learner - I love being a student of these ancient wisdoms and of life, and I believe there is still so much more richness and beauty these teachings can bring to our lives.
My aim through Puja is to share with you some of these teachings, hopefully in ways that are simple, easy to understand and accessible in our modern times.
To create a community where we can be true to ourselves and be true to each other, and have a little fun and joy along the way in our quest to lead a more healthful, easeful life.
